一年半くらい前に講義で書いた文章です。これだけ時間たってるのに何も状況が変わっていない……。
Since the last winter break, I have been thinking about what I want to do. What is my desire? Why do I want to be an architect again? What do I want to accomplish? Surprisingly, this brain-conference begins from the Japanese anime project, Charisma House. It is a situation comedy about seven charismatic residents (or I would say, people with edgy personalities) living in a shared house. I can relate to some of their past experiences and thinking processes, even though I am not saying that I am charismatic. I am still having a hard time finding answers, but thanks to them, I was able to begin thinking “who I am” and “what I want to do”.
My current and most important needs are music, money, and hugs from my girlfriend. Music is really important to me because I am so sensitive to sounds, and they cause anxiety and even dizziness sometimes. So, I have to carry noise-cancelling ear buds or headphones anytime and anyplace. The noise-cancelling makes environmental sound quieter, but it is not perfect for me: playing music can eliminate all the sound so it makes me comfortable. Although I am not someone who plays instruments, I enjoy making cover songs using vocal-synthesizing software. This has been one of my hobbies since 2017.
Money is also important for me as well. Yes, money is not everything, but to do something, it costs. There are software I want to learn. There are books I want to read. There are things I want to try. Hanging out with my girlfriend, attending CCA, eating nutritious food, they all cost. At least, I want some piles of the budget that I can invest in my hobbies like purchasing books and software.
One more thing I really need right now is hugs from my girlfriend. Sometimes, I need time to hug her and do nothing else. She is my anxiety medicine.
I could come up with five inner desires, but the most significant one is that I want to be less uptight. I am usually taking care of rules and morals, and I know it is a good thing to do, but recently, I began thinking I am obeying them way too much. Stop on the red, flush the toilet, don’t put elbows on dining tables, no jaywalking, don’t do dumb things! Just like Rikai Kusanagi, the Charisma of the Order, from Charisma House said “The regularity is all green. Doing the right thing is amazing!”, I respect and follow the rules most of the time. I sometimes break rules when I design, but I usually keep it to a minimum and confirm with professors. I want to live without those constraints constantly weighing me down.
One of my fears is rejection from others. I prefer to have more “alone-time”, but the rejection is not acceptable. I have experienced someone who used to be my close friend beginning to bully me, such as throwing my shoes in the trash cans and drawing graffiti and slanders on my locker. It was insane. I want to forget, but I cannot. I am afraid of making someone feel betrayed as well. It can result in rejection. I am actually not sure how to interact with people. How should I behave so no one will reject me? What should I talk about? I am assuming that’s why I easily get nervous.
There are multiple issues I need to overcome. My past experiences, attitude towards the rules, and my desires. In Charisma House, Charisma of Obedience who loves to support others and claims he has no desires was told “Have you ever obeyed to yourself before?”. I can relate to this episode a little bit because I obey the rules and support people around me, but when I take time to think about my desires and goals, I couldn’t come up with a lot. This semester may be the timing to spend time thinking about myself. At least, I know my problems, so it is a good start of this journey, I believe.